the main characters of harry potter, schindler's list, and life is beautiful all have one thing in common.

 

they have purpose.

 

do you even know how great a treasure that is? have you asked yourself at all lately, "what's the point?"

 

i shall finish school, so i can make money, so i can spend it, and then die.

perhaps, if i am lucky, i will find a spouse and a church along the way.

this is the grand total of pretty much everybody's life.

 

this is also why these films and books sell so well. they've got what we so glaringly lack.

 

maybe entertainment isn't always about "escape from real life." maybe, just sometimes, entertainment portrays a life more real than most of us accomplish in our dreams.

maybe we've got everything all backwards. but that's a side note, and it's free.

 

"it is God who gives us purpose." right? is it not from the great storehouses of God's infinite grace and love that we draw a meaning and purpose from life?

maybe. but if God gives us the purpose, where is it?

"He will reveal it in due time."

when? what if He doesn't?

"then His purpose for our lives is not for us to know."

then this is all a matter of hoping that He may or may not decide to reveal to us a purpose that we may or may not appreciate?

"no. it is a matter of trusting that His purposes are right and good, regardless of our knowledge or appreciation."

so that's it. He promises us at least an unknowable purpose, and at best an unchosen one?

"it is not for us to question His ways. besides, He has, for the most part, made His purposes clear."

oh, you mean to go into all the world, making disciples?

"it is exactly that. and to love God and love others."

very noble.

"thank you."

but don't you ever wonder if there's something else? i mean, what if you're no good at bringing people to repentance?

"it is not you, but---"

the Holy Spirit, yeah, i know, but...look. i've been a Christian for who knows how long and i still haven't been present at a single conversion. God has not used me once.

"perhaps that is not what you are intended to achieve."

but you JUST said that that WAS His purpose exactly!!!!

"some are to plant, some are to water, some are to harvest..."

so i'm a planter.

"perhaps."

great.

"what exactly is your problem?"

it's hard to define, i suppose. i guess i wish i had a purpose that had visible results. otherwise, i feel like i'm spinning my wheels.

"i see."

and i just thought of something: if my purpose is unknowable, which you admit is possible, and i'm not to see any results from it, then how am i to know that i am doing it right?

"you'll just have to trust."

but what if i'm doing it wrong?

"you can't mess up God's purposes."

then what exactly is the POINT of having me do them? i don't get it!!

"you can't mess Him up, but you can choose not to participate."

how do i know if i'm participating if i don't know if i'm doing it right?!?

"i---um--you have to trust."

trust WHAT?!

"that you're doing it....er....that God is doing it right, through you."

that...that doesn't even make sense. all i want is a purpose. something to aim for.

"try being humble."

what?

"you're proud. admit it."

well, now, if i was proud i guess i wouldn't, would i?

"exactly."

ok, yes. i'm proud. i don't see what this has to do with anything.

"perhaps God doesn't want you to see your purpose just yet because your head would swell."

i'm sure. but aren't you just feeding my pride?

"hm?"

i mean, you tell me that God isn't telling me my purpose because it is so magnificient that it would cause me to sin unnecessarily? isn't that sort of self-defeating?

"good point. i suppose its possible that your purpose would be taken as mundane in your prideful eyes."

i suppose that may be true. but then, why hide it? why not let me in on my purpose and break me of my foolish habit?

"but He has already, don't you see?"

what?

"love God and love others. that's your purpose."

that doesn't sound like enough.

"cause you're proud. you're not harry potter, you know. or guido or schindler, or any other man of great purpose."

yeah. it is true that i'm overdramatic. i want to be noble.

"so much so that you flee greatness."

what?!

"greatness is not achieved by doing it all, or by doing it best. it is achieved by doing it for the right reasons."

so my purpose is...
"to love God and love others."

and beyond that...

"anything you want."

that's it.

"that's it."

still sounds too simple.

"God's true mystery is not in His complexity, dearest."

 

and so it goes. somehow i doubt this argument will end anytime soon.

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right

do something right for once

--relient k

who cares if you're a jack of all trades? i'd rather be a master of one.

whats the point of being "generally competent"?

you can handle anything that comes your way, but you have a hard time
being more than half-hearted.

you get good grades, but its because you remember things, not because
you're truly intelligent.

you're not *excellent* at anything--merely competent at lots of things.

and you realize your limits are so very self-imposed. the extent of
your utter laziness gnaws at the back of your mind.

you want so much more from yourself.

"don't be a perfectionist".

don't worry. i'm not.

but sometimes i feel like a waste of talent.

T R 8:00-9:15       Comm Training and Development (aBlair)

T R 10:50-12:05   Comm Law (cBlair)

T R 12:15-1:30     Data Comm/Networking (Welms)

R    6:00-8:45pm  Practical Public Relations (aBlair)

 

that's right, kids:

 

no classes on friday for the third semester in a row.

no classes on monday or wednesday, either.

pretty exciting.

 

except for the fact that these are the four hardest classes in the commArts department.

 

and: that's an awful lot of Blair, folks.

its like that moment at the top of the first hill of your first roller-coaster, just before your stomach becomes weightless as the car drops down the slope, when you're looking out over the tops of so many trees and your mom is sitting beside you screaming her head off and laughing because she knows what she's doing to your poor little stomach and she knows you're going to end up loving it and all you can do is hold on because "mom, please quit" isn't going to work and you just wish the ride was over but you can't wait to see how it all goes down and then----------.

 

lean not on your own understanding...

political science annotated bibliography - 7 hours

two chapel credits - 2.5 hours

promo dvd for work - 11 hours

computer science homework - 2 hours

political science paper - 3 hours

database homework - 2 hours

total amount of sleep - 0 hours

 

getting to go to houston on my very own personal fall break with the lovely and wonderful amy cheek...

priceless.

and its just been one of those days,
been one of those days,
every glass half full,
every drop lemonade.
just been one of those days,
one of those days,
all my worries to bed,
my faith wide awake.
hey, hey, hey,
just been one of those da - ay - ee - ay - ay - ays
just been one of those--
day - hey - heys,
thank You.

--shaun groves

[and while we're in the quoting mood, here's a cool thing someone
wrote to me recently:
"though they may justly accuse us of a multitude of sins, though they
may drag us through the mire of disrepute, or perhaps exalt us with
the praise of saints, let us not allow this: that they call us
complacent." good ol' walker pfost.]

for the next 6 days, just to try it out.

breakfast = 1 banana. 1 glass of milk.
elevensies = 1 apple. 100% fruit juice.
lunch = 1 maruchan instant noodle cup. water.
snack = 1 handful of carrots + 1 handful of broccoli. 100% fruit juice.
dinner = 1 pear. 100% fruit juice or water.
supper = whatever i freeking want. probably pasta.

and, by the way, it's been 16 days without any soda or caffeine of any kind.

here's to the end of the semester!

the only thing i can guarantee, between the two of us, is this:

i will hurt you.

that's it. relationships, romantic or otherwise, are represented by
the exact same mathmatical formula. it looks like this:

1 fallen person + 1 fallen person = 2 fallen people

we don't improve ourselves in pairs or in groups. we are,
unfortunately and irrevocably, imperfect. thats the odd irony of the
aforementioned guarantee. guarantees assume perfection. to "guarantee"
something is to essentially bet that it will work perfectly, at least
for a certain amount of time.

strange, then, that the one guarantee about relationships is that they
won't work perfectly at all. we will all, at one time or another, act
perfectly wrong.

a corollary of this argument is as follows: love is a choice. if you
base your ability to love someone on their ability to please you or
perform their "relational duties" correctly, you're setting yourself
up for disappointment. there is only one personal being in the entire
universe that is worthy to be loved for His relational perfection. He
is worth being loved for who He is. you know what He is?

He is guaranteed.

so stop trying to find it somewhere else. you won't find it in a
pastor, or a teacher, or a discipler, or a leader, or a friend, or a
date, or a spouse, or a drinking buddy, or anything that involves
another person. pastors fall and teachers lie and disciplers mislead
and leaders crumble and friends betray and dates break up and spouses
hate and drinking buddies...well, drink.

your only hope for something sure is That which does not change.

so act like it.

recently a friend of mine told me i should no longer be friends with girls.

like, at all.

funny thing was...the friend is a girl.

hmm...

and i've learned a few things:
--it's really hard to be a good friend.
--i hate drama.
--drama loves me.
--people will almost always surprise you.
--always wear comfortable shoes.
--it's a lot easier to start exercising when its cold outside.
--God still loves me.
--google maps get you lost.
--getting lost can still make for a crazy-awesome date.

i think i've laughed more in the past two days than i have in many months. thank you for that.

once there was a little dog

they simply called her 'girl,'

she was a very special dog,

the cutest in the world.

 

there was a little boy named nic

who loved this 'girl' so much

he fed her, stroked her, made her glad

by his loving touch

 

but forces beyond his control

when asked if girl might share his home

ripped the poor boy's heart to shreds

when they coolly answered, "no."

 

[i think i'll go cry now.]

 

[anybody want a dog? she's only the best, cutest, most wonderful, loving, marvelous dog in the whole wide world. as long as i get to visit.]

goals:

 

finish two movies in three weeks.

sell a full page ad to verizon in student newspaper.

start selling "facebook" t-shirts.

keep a dog.

have 'party of the century'.

FINISH SCRIPT!!! (religion, sex, and politics).

tell my parents i love them (20th anniversary tommorrow!).

compete for shoutfest.

save more money.

make CD.

try not to die too soon.

study the Bible of my own volition.

out with the old, in with the new.

 

isn't it time i started being optimistic again?

sometimes you have to give up the good to receive the best.

sometimes the only way to keep something is to give it away.

sometimes, believe it or not, a little self-sacrifice actually works
in your favor.

and it's better to realize this in advance.

Take My Life and Let Me Be

[an american-truth version]

 

Take my tithe and let it be

satisfact'ry, Lord, to Thee.

Take my cash and let it prove

that I'm filled with naught but love;

that I'm filled with naught but love.

 

Take two hours and let them be

swift and beautiful for Thee

Take my voice and let me sing

Gorgeous, pretty, full and deep;

Gorgeous, pretty, full and deep.

 

If you'd make me rich with gold,

not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my plans,

bless them, make them work as planned;

bless them, make them work as planned.

 

Take my Will and make it Thine,

You'll never have it otherwise.

Take my heart and forcefully,

'cause I'll ne'er give it willingly;

'cause I'll ne'er give it willingly.

When I was about 7 years old, tramping to school in the calm grey
weather of Denver, Colorado, college was an eternity away. In fact,
there was this 12-year-old kid at the end of the street—well, I call
him "kid" now; at the time, he seemed as grown up and free as I would
ever be. His name was Kevin, and he made me certain I wanted to be 12
when I grew up.
When I finally made it to my twelfth birthday, I thought of it as my
last year of childhood. The teenage years were upon me.
At thirteen, I couldn't wait to drive.
Sixteen rolled around, and suddenly those eighteen-year-old guys with
thick facial hair and girlfriends seemed the most serious and
authoritative people in the world.
Eighteen, and for a brief moment I thought I had arrived—I was
enrolled in the draft. The moment passed when Gillette sent me a razor
for my eighteenth birthday and I still had no facial reason to even
open the package.
That awkward, in-between twentieth year—not yet full-fledged adult and
yet no longer teenager—flew by in seconds.
Saturday, now at age 21, I attended the wedding of my close friend Ben
Williams, who is 27, and marveled at how young I still feel.
Twenty-one, a senior in college, working two jobs and living in a
house, you'd think I'd be past looking ahead all the time.
But I still catch myself looking at the Ben Williamses in my life and
thinking, "Someday, I'll grow up. Someday, I'll be complete."
It seems the habits of seven-year-olds die hard. I'm still finding
twelve-year-old Kevins to aspire toward.
I don't think I can argue that looking ahead in life is wrong, per se,
but I will attempt to convince you that it's a big waste of time.
The first fallacy here is assuming that it is even possible to
"arrive" in life. It's a nice thought, but a few conversations with
even your oldest acquaintances will clarify the unfounded nature of
such a concept. It simply never happens, at least not in this life.
Another problem with this kind of thinking is that it causes us to
always be comparing ourselves with others. We find the Bens and Kevins
in our life and cling to the idea that if we just had what they had
(age, job, wife, whatever), we'd be complete.
This is a dangerous state of mind.
Always focusing on where we aren't keeps our attention from where we
are. You can't drive somewhere by focusing on the destination. You get
there by paying attention to the turns and street signs and road
rules.
Typically, the "Christian" remedy to our natural struggle with this
mindset is to remind ourselves that "we don't really arrive until we
get to heaven."
This is not, however, a true solution. It is merely a spiritualization
of the problem.
Thinking that heaven is the "arrival point" is a problem in two major ways.
First, it trivializes the journey, in the same way thinking that a
diploma is the only important thing at this point trivializes the many
things you will learn in college that will have nothing to do with
that little slip of paper. I fear that there are far too many of us
that would jump at the opportunity to take a pill and put the next few
years in fast forward, if it were possible.
Second, the "heaven-is-the-end" mindset trivializes heaven itself. I
hate to break it to you here, but there is no indication that you will
be perfect when you get to heaven. You will not "have arrived" when
you cross through those pearly gates.
Sinless, yes. Painless, sure. But omniscient? Omnipresent? Omnipotent?
No, nope, and not a chance.
And at the very least, if you are not omniscient, it will mean that
you've still got something to learn. And if you've still got something
to learn, then you're not "arrived," yet.
I wonder if it will be possible to be jealous of people that have been
in heaven longer than us, getting a head start on whatever it is we'll
be trying to figure out up there.
If you ask me, it seems the best thing to do is realize that this
whole thing's just one big long journey. You won't "arrive" when you
graduate, or when you get married, or get a house, or a career, or
retire, or even when you die.
Instead, look at it this way: we're just hitchhiking through life, and
at some point in the next 60 years or so we'll find ourselves, not at
the end of our journey, but rather joined bodily by the One who put us
on the journey in the first place.
This is how, I think, He is able to be both the Beginning and the End.
Because there really aren't any Beginnings or Ends. Just Him.
So if you're like me, and you just can't wait for whatever's coming
next in life, remember this: that thing you've been waiting for, it's
called Today.

hehe... 

we played chubby bunny. i will never eat another tootsie roll. 

nick brown is a funny kid. 

hey! that's my hat... 

jes beat me at chubby bunny...that girl has some BIG cheeks...